Turns 4 in August Looking forward to some peace and quiet when Taylor starts school Loves a good roller coaster AKA: Grape |
Turns 6 in September Just completed her first swimming lessons Begins Kindergarten at Trinity Christian Academy in August AKA: Tay |
Bachelor of Fine Arts, Biola University, 1990 Currently taking classes to get her teaching certification, would love to teach young children AKA: Mommy |
Bachelor of Fine Arts in Interior Design, University Of North Texas, 1995 Employed with Interprise Design, Dallas; a firm specializing in corporate interiors AKA: Daddy |
Irritations There should be a 15 day wait to purchase a pricing gun I am deeply disturbed by the reckless use of the pricing gun in stores throughout the country. Store clerks everywhere are putting their price tags on the faces of picture frames, poster boards, books, knick-knacks, and doo-dads everywhere forcing the shopping public to also purchase little bottles of Goo-Gone to remove the sticker residue from our items. If you need me, I'll be in the garage opening the ketchup I can't stand those little safety seals that are glued across the top of the opening of ketchup bottles, barbecue sauce bottles and other such products. The seal is the exact same size as the opening and 9 times out of then there is no pull tab to get it started (and when there is, the glue on the seal is stronger that the glue on the pull tab which means the pull tab usually tears off). I end up having to get a knife and poke it through the seal to cut it off. Opening food products should not require tools. Don't get up. He'll let Himself in The misuse and abuse of Revelation 3:20 bugs me. The verse is commonly accepted as a salvation verse among Christians, including those who wrote the Four Spiritual Laws. However this is not a salvation verse because the Laodiceans to whom Christ was speaking were already saved. Furthermore, any salvation message drawn from this verse contradicts the salvation message of the rest of the bible. The Lord is not dependant on any action by us, such as opening the door to our heart, in order to save us. Receiving Christ is a result of our salvation, not a requirement for it. Drivers on the blink You know that funny little stick thing that protrudes out from behind your steering wheel? It's a turn signal switch. Use it. Call me petty but I don't like sitting there waiting for a car to go by only to have the guy turn without notice before he gets to me. Dinner and a movie with God I'm tired of all the contemporary Christian music which puts God in the position of the romantic lover. Many of these songs are written to please two audiences. The secular audience is supposed to think it's a romantic song written for a lover and the Christian audience is to assume that the song is about a love for God. With lyrics like "I want to fall in love with You".and "I want you to hold me, I want to rest in your arms", I'm not sure if I'm supposed to glorify God and enjoy him forever or just send him flowers. If I could get this thing untangled, I'd use it to strangle the guy who invented it It may just be me but it seems that extension cords, hoses and ropes defy all odds by getting hooked or caught on the most unfeasible items when pulling, dragging or winding them. I am a good person The self-esteem movement bugs me. My biggest complaint about self-esteem is the word "self". I can understand the secular community buying into it but the evangelical comunity should know better. Christians should be aware that all that is good within us is not our own but of God. They only thing we can truely call our own is our sin. Hey, look at me! I'm worshipping! There has been a trend over the last 100 years or so where worship songs seem to glorify the singer more than they do God. These songs are not about the greatness of God as much as they are about the singer's response to God's greatness. Lyrics like "I bless you Lord at all times, I praise you as long as I live," and "Father, I adore you. I lay my life before you," put all the focus on the great things the singer is doing and note on the greatness of God. Usted desean fries con ése It's hard to believe, with technology what it is today, that the fast food drive-thru speaker is still a garbled metal box of static. But what really bugs me is how fast food managers insist on sticking the person with the strongest accent working said static box. This further reduces the odds of me getting what I ordered. Ordered: Fries Got: Sprite Ordered: Taco Got: Small Coke |
Jokes Pastoral Candidates Pastoral Search Report We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we've followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates. Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods. Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects. Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man. Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record. Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge. David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife. Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure. Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church. Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation. Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river. Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language. Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up. Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people-might fit in better in a poor congregation. John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders. Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Timothy: Too young. Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here. Writing Home For Money The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter: Dear Mom and Dad: Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t! But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don't want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home. Love Your $on After dliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response: Dear Son: NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing Noble. Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left. Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time. Have to go NOw. Mom & Dad Hook Hand A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook." Ghandi Groaner Mhatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. He would often go on hunger strikes, and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He thus came to be known as a: "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis." Because I'm A Man Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. Hot Line to God It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and from here it's a local call." Buying Paint From An Airline Customer: Hi, how much is your paint? Clerk: Well, Sir that all depends. Customer: Depends on what? Clerk: Actually, a lot of things. Customer: How about giving me an average price? Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint. Clerk: Well, First I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint. Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint? Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be kidding! Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you. Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there. Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12. Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking? Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want? Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough. Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: What? Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs. Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Sunday night? Clerk: Yes sir, it will. Customer: Well that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint! Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $13.50. Thanks for flying - I mean painting - with our airline. Cure for the common cough A high school student is working his first day in a pharmacy when he's approached by a customer who asks for something to cure his cough. The boy hands him a box of laxatives, telling him to take them all at once. The man follows his orders, walks out of the drug store and leans against the building. The druggist comes over and asks the boy what happened. The boy then tells the druggist about the man, his cough, and that he gave the customer laxatives because he couldn't find the cough medicine. "Laxatives won't cure a cough!" exclaimed the pharmacist. "Yes they will," replies the boy. "Would you cough if you took a whole box of laxatives?" Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble 10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh." 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap." 4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks. 3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese. 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards. Q: What do you call a man on the side of the road with his arm half-way up the back end of a horse? A: An Amish Mechanic. Q: What goes Clippety - clop - clippety - clop - clippety - clop--Bang - Bang - Bang--Clippety - clop- clippety - clop - clippety - clop? A: An Amish drive-by shooting. The Unbeliever There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady. Church Football Terms Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation. Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship. Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave. Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime". Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service. Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer. Borrow the Car A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!" Lost in the Woods Two men were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you." After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows." Fun With Words The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. Puns There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and ever amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, them I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins - if you've see Juan, you've seen Amal." Sick Dog A man noticed his dog didn't seem to feel well, so he took him to the vet. As the vet was examining the dog, the dog stopped breathing. "I'm sorry, sir; your dog is dead," the vet said gently. "It can't be!" the man exclaimed. "I want a second opinion." The vet left and returned with a Labrador retriever, who circled the man's dog and sniffed him. The dog didn't move. Next the vet came in with a cat, which walked all over the man's dog and licked his ears. The dog still didn't move. "I'm sorry, sir," the vet repeated. "If your dog was alive, he would have responded to all that stimulus." The man finally accepted that his beloved companion was gone. As he was leaving, the receptionist handed him a bill. "What?!" the man said in outrage. "You're charging me $450 just to tell me my dog is dead?" "Oh, no," the receptionist said. "The vet's fee is only $50, but it was $200 for the lab report and another $200 for the cat scan." How To Get A Wife According To The Bible Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deut 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Jud 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.-Adam (Gen 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Gen 29:15-30) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife -David (I Samuel 18:27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Gen 4:16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).-David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Cor 7:32-35) Definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where some women go to dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies look good after all. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of today's greatest labor saving devices. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. Groucho Marx Quotes Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Room service? Send up a larger room. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. Time wounds all heels. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. Whatever it is,... I'm against it. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Quote me as saying I was misquoted. Weights and Measures Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope A tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz Weight of an evangelist: 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," - the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee 1 million microphones: 1 phone 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 10 millipedes: 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2 wharves: 1 paradox 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University: 1 I.V. League 100 Senators: Not 1 decision Superbowl Seat A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral. Today in the stock market: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cow steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. How To Write Good 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) 4. Employ the vernacular. 5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 8. Contractions aren't necessary. 9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 10. One should never generalize. 11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. Profanity sucks. 15. Be more or less specific. 16. Understatement is always best. 17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 18. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20. The passive voice is to be avoided. 21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 23. Who needs rhetorical questions? Scribbling For Dollars The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him$100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" Yogi-isms Quotes by Yogi Berra "It ain't over till it's over." "This is like deja vu all over again." Phil Rizzuto - "Hey Yogi I think we're lost." - Yogi Berra - "Ya, but we're making great time!" "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." " I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head." "You can observe a lot just by watchin'." "In baseball, you don't know nothin'." "How can you think and hit at the same time?" Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: - "He must have made that before he died" "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him." "Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical" Mrs. Lindsay - "You certainly look cool." - Yogi Berra - "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." "I want to thank all those who made this night necessary." "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early." Interviewer - "Why, you're a fatalist !" - Yogi Berra - "You mean I save postage stamps ? Not me." "You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." "Slump ? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin." "It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it." "It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much." "When you come to a fork in the road, take it!" "If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be " Yogi on the 1969 NY Mets....." overwhelming underdogs " " If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them " On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh " We made to many wrong mistakes" " The future ain't what it used to be " " It gets late early out here" "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars. "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early." "A nickel isn't worth a dime today." Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me." "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time. "The wind always seems to blow against catchers when they are running." "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four." "If you come to a fork in the road, take it." "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left." "90% of the putts that are short don't go in." "I made a wrong mistake." "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool. "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken." "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost." "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel." "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't." "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer." "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season. "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win." "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson. "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?" "It ain't the heat; it's the humility." "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase." "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours." "I didn't really say everything I said." Oxymorons Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Airline food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream American history Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt head Military intelligence New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof "Now, then..." Synthetic natural gas Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct life Temporary tax increase Computer jock Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definitely maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Working vacation Exact estimate Quick Jokes How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters A.D.N. stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. Obituary Bargain A woman had just become a widow and needed to put an obituary in the paper about her late husband. She called the newspaper and asked, "How much to put an obituary in the paper?" "The cost is 50 cents per word," said the newspaper editor. "Fine, please print, 'Bubba died.'" The startled newspaper editor explained that there was a 7 word minimum charge. The woman thought for a moment and said, "OK, then please print, 'Bubba died. 1983 pickup truck for sale.'" The Doctrine Of The Lightbulb How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, you must send in your donation today. How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. Any more would compromise the denominational standards of light, and the new one must be exactly like the old one. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten. They need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might want to use other forms of light. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They use candles. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change it, and nine to sit around and talk about how good the old one was. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One. Their hands are in the air anyway. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. God has predestined when the lights will be on. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Change??? Who said anything about change? How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Magic 8-Bible Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven." Engineers To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets. "Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." Anagrams Dormitory == Dirty Room The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost In 'Em Animosity == Is No Amity Snooze Alarms == No More Z's, alas. The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one Contradiction == Accord not in it [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. == In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong == A thin man ran, makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon -- on to Mars! The Bottomless Pit Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise. "Dang! That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it'sGOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumpedinto this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie." Actual Courtroom Exchanges Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you committed suicide? A. Four times. Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. Q. Did you tell your lawyer your husband had offered you indignities? A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas? A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Christian Bear In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I am about to receive...." ...and finally, From the Brilliant Mind of Steven Wright A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, ""Why were you going so fast?"" I said, ""See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it." A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that's much better. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, ""Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store. All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? Did you sleep well? ""No, I made a couple of mistakes."" Do fish get cramps after eating? Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as ""4's""? Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, ""Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."" Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car... Hermits have no peer pressure. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain. How come abbreviated is such a long word? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... ""Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, ""Steven, time to go to sleep."" I said, ""But I don't know how."" She said, ""It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."" So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said ""I thought I told you to go to sleep."" I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. I filled out an application that said, ""In Case Of Emergency Notify"". I wrote ""Doctor""... What's my mother going to do? I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'. I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, ""Why'd you run that stop sign?"" I said, ""Because I don't believe everything I read."" I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, ""Hello, Information."" I said, ""I can't find my socks."" She said, ""They're behind the couch."" And they were! I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, ""Cut it out!"" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ""I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."" I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious! I invented the cordless extension cord I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ""Have you got anything I'd like?"" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ""Extra medium."" I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O. I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer. I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went ""Aaaaahhhh..."" I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. ""It was supposed to be hot today."" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ""Happy Birthday"" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I saw a bank that said ""24 Hour Banking"", but I don't have that much time. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, ""Steven, why haven't you called me?"" I said, ""I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it."" He said, ""How long have you had it?"" I said, ""I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."" I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I saw a sign: ""Rest Area 25 Miles"". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, ""It's free with purchase."" I asked her if anyone bought anything today. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone. I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2"" taller. I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, ""Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"" ""Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."" I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, ""No thanks - I'm not going that far."" I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. ""We're surrounded."" I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said ""pet supplies"". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said ""compact cars"". I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. " I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ""Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."" He said, ""Yes, but not in a row."" I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, ""The whole time."" I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, ""ten-four."" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ""Where's the self-help section?"" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. I went to a restaurant that serves ""breakfast at any time"". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ""What for?"" I said, ""I'm going to buy some sugar."" I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, ""If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"" I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think ""Hey, maybe I wrote that."" I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. If ""con"" is the opposite of ""pro,"" then what is the opposite of progress? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? " If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. I'm a peripheral visionary. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. I'm writing a book. So far I've got the page numbers done. Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . . In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was. My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, ""If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?""I said, ""No."" She said, ""Okay, forget it."" My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short... My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. My school colors were clear. On the other hand, you have different fingers... One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? " So what's the speed of dark? So, do you live around here often? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. The judge asked, ""What do you plead?"" I said, ""Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"" The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, ""Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."" The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, ""right here, officer"". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, ""Get out of my driveway!"" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing little triangles in the air... Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, ""Hello?"" and I said, ""Hello, could I speak to Joey?""... They said, ""Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old."" I said, ""I'll wait."" War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. What a nice night for an evening. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? What's another word for Thesaurus? When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ""Well, what do you need?"" When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, ""I want my daughter back by 8:15.""I said, ""the middle of August? Cool!"" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: ""Do I know you?"" Whose cruel idea was it for the word ""lisp"" to have an ""s"" in it? Why are there 5 syllables in the word ""monosyllabic?"" Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do banks charge you a ""non-sufficient funds fee"" on money they already know you don't have? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to ""cure"" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. |
Jeff |
Bachelor of Fine Arts in Interior Design, University Of North Texas, 1995 Employed with Interprise Design, Dallas; a firm specializing in corporate interiors AKA: Daddy |
Bachelor of Fine Arts, Biola University, 1990 Currently taking classes to get her teaching certification, would love to teach young children AKA: Mommy |
Joanna |
Taylor |
Turns 6 in September Just completed her first swimming lessons Begins Kindergarten at Trinity Christian Academy in August AKA: Tay |
Lindsey |
Turns 4 in August Looking forward to some peace and quiet when Taylor starts school Loves a good roller coaster AKA: Grape |
Irritations |
Joke Outlet |
Barrel O' Fun |
What you really need is a barrel o' water |
What you really need is a barrel o' water |
They only pick up white trash |
The elite campus police force |
Fresh poultry |
Also comes with a toilet scrubbing attachment |
The controls |
The county road of the beast |
Boy, talk about an accurate sign. |
Operator, give me Donutland! It's an emergency! |
Physician, heal thyself. |
WOW! It even restored the paint and the broken tail light. |
A ringing endorsement |
Somewhere there is a fork lift operator changing his pants. |
It's either a tiny little dump truck or a gigantic flat bed |
One-stop shop |
A vet with a recycling program |
Lead me not into temptation |
Next month's barbeque: spotless lamb |
Another accurate sign |
No, you idiot! I said make me a bumper out of an iron BAR! |
When she realized she had been tricked, Miss Berry laid her head down and Saabed. |
If you look carefully, you'll see that the name of the boat is "Temporary Insanity". |